Defying Gravity

I have figured out here recently life is not all a flat walk to the finish. Some times “two roads diverge in a yellow wood” and the one less traveled leads you to a cliff and a choice.  Do you jump or do you turn back to a well beaten path over used and boring.

I came to my roads and chose the one less traveled. I’ve seen the cliff and  jumped.  I’m still walking on air waiting for flight or the failure of falling from Everest and the long climb back up. So  in the mean time I’m going to flap my arms and go for it like a true dare devil and keep hope and faith alive.

Are you up for defying gravity?

Glee Cast – Defying Gravity

Wrong Side Up

The human body never ceases to amaze me. Its hard to understand how even though you know you are upright standing and gazing forward you still can have the perception that everything else around you is standing on its head.  Now depending on the type of person you are you may say that its the world that’s upended  and not you, or perhaps you realize that the world as usual is right side up and its you that is upside down. At times I relish the head rush of being upended knowing that once the dust settles my world will be as it should be.  Slightly left of center

I had one of those days yesterday starting at midnight and ended when I passed out around 2pm this afternoon. I sat, read, and performed my ritual of youtube bathrobe and air drumming only to come out with more questions then visible answers. I know they are there in front of me they always are. I just didn’t have the clarity to see them like I usually can.

Within the next 9 months my life will change drasticly. I will step out of my comfort zones by choice as well as necessity. I have many decisions to make in what I am coming to realize is a short amount of time.  Every once in a while I have to stop and question myself. Asking if what I am doing is right and if its truly what I want. Even though each time I keep coming up with a resounding yes at the end of my soul searching the process of questioning at times takes a lot out of me.

So here I am turning myself right side up and watching my view of the world shift into the perspective that is true to me. Tonight I will air drum in my dads old green bathrobe and know with great confidence that once my arms are sore and my breath returns from its labors All will be wrong side up right along with me

Diana Ross – Upside Down

YouTube, Bathrobes and Air drumming.

In the past 4 months my life has taken many twists and turns.  The death of someone monumentally important to me. The loss of another just as dear and there rediscovery. Not to mention the massive amount of decisions and “issues” I have been left to handle and make.  I have had friends ask my how I am still standing how I am still functioning after everything worried that I don’t seem to grieve as they think I should and others questioning if I even have a heart at all. With each interrogation my answers are always the same. “I have no choice but to live my life” “I have mourned but in my own way.”  To me that is all the explanation I am willing to give to those who are not my chosen few

For a while I questioned the validity of the possibility that I many have no heart.  In my actions it made logical sense that I am ruled by my brain and my outward emotions lay to far below the surface to be considered by others as anything but existent. Then inadvertently I was given the answer to my own question by a much loved and trusted friend. She said in reference to my questionable lack of emotion “You are very open and honest about your feelings, now. It is an attribute I wish you would have had all along”.  And there you go.  All the world cracked open in two sentences.

Of course me being me I began to think (Don’t worry I keep a fire extinguisher hand in case of emergency) and I realized the true answer to how I am still standing. It all comes down to love Youtube a bathrobe and air drumming.

At night when its dark  I finally allow my mind to shut down for a short period of time to stop its almost endless activity and let my heart and soul take over.  I come in to my computer or MP3 player and turn on my therapy.  I put on my dads old green bathrobe slip on the head phones and pick my poison. It might be Pat Benatar, Gary Go, Natacha Atlas or any other that strikes my fancy. Once the music starts I can just let go, air drumming and dancing not caring who of this world or the next can see.

In those moments I know on a soul deep level that I am fine my heart exists and beats a steady rhythm along with the imaginary drumsticks in my hands . In those moments I regain my sense of self and my troubles find there own solutions I need only to acknowledge them and proceed without my doubts and worries to cloud the right path.

There. There right  above is one of my secret to sanity. The other? … Well that secret lies with my better half my lips are sealed

Gary Go – Wonderful

One need not be a Chamber — to be Haunted — by Emily Dickinson

One need not be a Chamber — to be Haunted –
One need not be a House –
The Brain has Corridors — surpassing
Material Place –

Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting
External Ghost
Than its interior Confronting –
That Cooler Host.

Far safer, through an Abbey gallop,
The Stones a’chase –
Than Unarmed, one’s a’self encounter –
In lonesome Place –

Ourself behind ourself, concealed –
Should startle most –
Assassin hid in our Apartment
Be Horror’s least.

The Body — borrows a Revolver –
He bolts the Door –
O’erlooking a superior spectre –
Or More –

Gary Go – Speak

I’m not crazy I”m just a little unwell. AKA My stupid mouth.

Sometimes force of character is a wonderful noble and often celibrated  thing. But sometimes we forget that even our nobler qualities have a downside when used in appropriately.  And that is a sin I commit daily.

My stupid mouth,. though at times has the ability to spew some interesting things, should come with a warning label. I have a tendency to forget that sometimes my words are not taken well by others. I know it has a lot to do with my delivery of said words. Even with the best of intentions I can manage to turn an ardent compliment into an acusation or insult  without even a hint of trying.  Usually I have no clue it has happened until someone points it out to me or I finally get slapped by the change in the air.

To those of you I have done this to I applogize whole heartedly.  I know I can at times come in like a force of nature when all that is needed is a gentle wind.  I will try in the future to leave the tornados, hurricanes, gail force winds, lightening strikes and blinding rains at home and restrained where they belong.

I have been told that my mouth doesn’t have a censor. I am eternally guilty of tactlessness, calousness and out right stupidity.  My missuse of language is apparantly on the verge of legendary.

But be aware that I am capable of feeling great guilt and remorse, and usually do, when smiling eyes take on the look of hurt.  It gives me pause and sinks my stomach to know I am the cause. I know this is a pain I am very familiar with and will feel time and time again.  But with hope and effort perhaps someday I won’t need to applogize or feel twisting of  my guts when my stupid mouth gets me in trouble.

But in the mean time. Anyone have a muzzle??

John Mayer- My Stupid Mouth.

All the things she didn’t say.

Well all  open our mouths sometime willing sound that will not come. It sticks in our throats or just hangs off the tips of our tongues daming up the works.  Our brains and hearts know that this could be make or break but anxiety and fear takes over. Then sometimes if we are lucky the force of shear will and courage forces those jumbled sounds to flow out in endless streams before we clam up again.

I have moments like this all the time. The moments of self doubt or out right cowardice the fear tinting me yellow in the process. There are many things in my life that I have not said and I regret them all.   My will and courage traitors to the cause.  Which makes me ponder the question…. Can we charge ourselves with treason?  With all that being said I have desided my days of being tongue tied, mentally gagged, verbally defunct and down right terrified are over!!

Which brings me to a new problem… Tact.   When I finally get over myself I have been told that I am tactless to a fault.  In general I don’t have a problem with that considering sometimes tact is useless depending on the person.  Its when I say something to someone and the bull in the china shop approach is far from what they need,  Or worse when you speak before you think and say something even though you may have thought you ment it at the time that comes out hurtfull because of a fleeting emotion.

And here we come to the jist.  When is the time to speak? When is the time to speak gently? And, When is the time to just shut the hell up?

Knowing the difference is the true lesson I need to learn.

Perhaps you read this and it made you think. Perhaps you read this and it made you think I’m crazy  Perhaps it made no sense at all.  But I hope reguardless you gleamed something useful

Tatu- All the things she said

Music and Mantras

I love music. Its always been my therapy, my distraction, and my greatest love.  Some songs I sing over and over as a mantra to get through the day.  Others play in the background to sooth my restless spirit (or something poetic like that )

I know some people do not believe in music therapy but, when asked they can’t explain why a song can make them cry or give them the need to get up and dance or sing. A song can  rip my heart out and leave me bare to the wind and cold. It can cut through the daily bullshit that I put up for my own defence.  And yes.. even make me cry when nothing else can.

Music has always giving me the reminder that I have emotions and really can feel something other then apathy or annoyance for the general public.  It humanizes and gives a glimer of hope for our fellow man.

Everyone important in my life has a song. One just for them that can’t be taken away even if the person themselves are. Be it through death or severance of a relationship. Its a life long memory burned in as a reminder of who they were and what they ment.

Perhaps someday you will have a song just for you

Sarah McLachlan – I will remember you.